I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
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