My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Randomize
