I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Randomize
