Betty ford says i'm here all night
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Randomize
