can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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