it's too hot outside to masturbate.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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