i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
