The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
