Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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