Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
