What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
