youre lurking in front of me
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
I think my vagina is haunted
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
