Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
