i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Randomize
