The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
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