Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
