the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
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