wakey wakey hands off snakey
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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