sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
