Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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