I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
Randomize
