I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
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