i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Randomize
