Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
