Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
Its only 8 and she is already passed out
Perfect here is wht u do. Gently slip your index middle and ring finger into her butt hole but gently u dont wnt to wake her..let me know when ur ready for step 2
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
We are all done wearing pants today
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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