That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Randomize
