trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
