So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
