This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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