the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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