I can tuck mytits in my pants
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
