i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Randomize
