I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
