Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Is it penis luge time yet?
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
