I hope mine doesn't look like that
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
