3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Randomize
