Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
