my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
