I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I don't deserve a penis
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
