The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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