he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
