she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
