my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Randomize
