you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
