I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."�
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
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