My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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