I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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