for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Randomize
