also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
