Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Randomize
