Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Randomize