We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
and she was petting her beer can
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
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