she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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