just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
