he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
