You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
