You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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