never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
