I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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